THE ARTICLES OF FAITHLESSNESS
1) We doubt the existence of God, his son Jesus, the Holy Ghost, Heavenly Mother, Lucifer, Odin, Ra, Zeus and Lord Zenu. But we totally believe in Allah.
2) We believe that all Mormons will be punished by paying 10% of their income, attending 2-hours of church, serving 2-year missions, and endless amounts of genealogy and temple work.
3) We believe that through a crisis of faith, all ex-Mormon’s will be saved from perpetual talks about obedience and ordinances of the Gospel.
4) We believe the first principles of the Church are first, faith in the Prophet Joseph Smith, second, that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by looking through a magic stone in a hat, third, eating funeral potatoes and Jello, fourth, that we will become gods creating our own worlds and have spirit babies with our Celestial polygamist wives.
5) We believe that if a man tells you he has been called of God, he will soon ask for money and then to have sex with your wife and⁄or daughter.
6) We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Corporation of the Presiding Bishop of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Intellectual Reserve, Inc., Bonneville International, Deseret News, and so forth.
7) We believe that the rise in education and technology is inversely proportional to the reporting of speaking in tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions and healings because of cell phone cameras, the Internet, and so forth.
8) We believe the Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Book of Abraham, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, Necronomicon, Dead Sea Scrolls, Tao Te Ching, Dianetics, Game of Thrones and Fifty Shades of Grey to be the word of God as far as they are translated correctly.
9) We doubt all that the Gods have revealed, all that they do now reveal, and that they will yet reveal many confusing and contradictory things pertaining to the control of man.
10) We believe in the literal gathering of new-order Mormons, ex-Mormons and apostates, that a virtual Zion will be built upon the internet, that debate, discussion, criticism, and exposition will reign on the message boards, and, that Paradisiacal Glory is an awesome name for an Osmond tribute band.
11) We claim the privilege of criticizing the Church according to the dictates of history and science, and allow all men the same privilege, let the apologist defend against history, biology, archeology, psychology, sociology, pharmacology, dermatology, gynecology, and any-other-ology.
12) We believe in being subject to science, logic, reason, and comedy, in mocking, lampooning, and teasing the Church.
13) We believe that the Church is dishonest, false, shaming, malevolent, unscrupulous, and deceptive to all men; indeed we may say that it follows the Propaganda of FARMS, we deny all things, we hide all things, we have lied about many things, and hope to be able to lie about more things. If there is any history that is scandalous, incriminating, or of ill report or unworthy, we seek to hide these things.