Dear Brothers and Sisters, taffy pullers and masturbators
  1. I'd like to bear my testimony that I know the Mormon Cult is true! I know that a white Jewish Native American appeared to a young man who was a convicted fraud, and told him where he could find the golden plates that should have weighed 200 pounds but were light enough to be carried under one arm for miles at a light jog...
  2. I know that these plates were written in reformed Egyptian, a language that doesn't exist, but I am confident that Joseph Smith the Profit accurately translated them, even though the only other two translations he has to his name were later discovered to be completely incorrect and fraudulent (respectively). I know that these oddly-weighted golden plates detailed the stories of an ancient race of people who left no anthropological or archeological trace of their existence, even though there were millions of them.
  3. I know that The Cult is true - I know that elephants and horses and damascus steel and scimitars and sheep and donkeys and camels and wheeled carts and body armor all existed in the Americas during the time of Jesus. I know that Elohim, the god of many gods, hates and discards evidence so he can find the truly faithful, which is why he took all of the evidence for his religion back to his planet, near the star Kolob - as described in the officially debunked translation of the Book of Abraham that our Profit Joseph Smith translated.
  4. I know The Cult is true! I have prayed about it with an open heart, and I received a strong witness via a warm fuzzy feeling (that might have been heartburn from tacos) that Mormonism is the One True Cult! I always listen to my feelings, they never lead me astray. My heart tells me who to love, what to buy, what shows to watch - It knows which religion is true! If something gives you good feelings, it should not be ignored and cannot be bad! Except for sex, coffee, tea, and masturbation - those are evil.
  5. I know The Cult is true! I have been to the temple. I have seen the white and delightsome rooms, I have heard the quiet, pre-recorded, monotonous dronings of a faceless middle-aged man telling me calmly over a loudspeaker the secret ways in which I should move my body to please Elohim and bring dead people to his fold. I feel Elohim within my heart as I take part in his necromantic rituals. I know that the Cult is true, because they told me these rituals are sacred. These secrets are more valuable than my own life, Elohim would rather me have my throat slit and my tongue ripped out by the roots than share his sacred secrets with anyone who isn't in my Cult. The Cult must be true if our secrets are so important!
  6. I know The Cult is true! When I was told at General Conference that I should not do research or read non-Mormon books, I KNEW The Cult had to be true! When I was told that I should trust the pathological liars of my Cult's hierarchy unflinchingly, I felt in my heart that their advice was for my own good - they just want to save me the time of doing research - there is NOTHING that can disprove my Cult! My time is better spent giving to my Cult! After all, I have been given this holy knowledge by an old white man in a suit in front of flowers, and is there anyone more trustworthy than an old white man in a suit in front of flowers? I think not.
  7. I know my Cult is true, and I am praying for all of the sad people who are not part of my Cult. They may think they're happy because they feel happy, but they do not truly know happiness, as only I and other Mormons can know true happiness...And even though I want to slit my wrists and I take 60 mg of Paxil every day, I know I am happier than the rest of the world. An old white man in a suit in front of flowers told me so..
  8. I know my Cult is true.
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